A heavy piece of paper

This came in the mail a couple of weeks ago, and I have been sitting with thoughts and feelings about it since its arrival.

I completed my PhD in 2020 during the pandemic and it has been filled with joy, excitement, relief, and sadness and grief. (I’ll write about the grief part of it in another post since that grief demands a post wholly to itself).

It has been bittersweet to finish my PhD during the pandemic because I have worked so hard and so long to reach this milestone, and I am so proud at its final arrival. From the last year of my undergraduate degree when a beloved professor planted this seed, I worked tirelessly towards the goal of getting my PhD and becoming a professor myself.

In November 2020, I defended my dissertation and passed with flying colours.

I try to be modest about it but it would be false modesty since the defense went so well that I was so bowled over by it. A PhD defense can be hard, with each member of the committee (between 3-8 people depending on the program and the school) going around in circles and each asking at least one round of questions. And if you are not familiar with academics let me tell you, one question often has a paragraph of questions attached to it. In academia, no one ever asks just one questions, rather a series of thoughts, ideas, and ponderings morphed into series of questions.

Mine wasn’t like that.

It was a conversation, a theoretical discussion, a warm exchange of views with every committee member who is an expert in their field, complementing the originality of my research.

I felt like I was speaking with my friends and colleagues, just like any Monday afternoon sitting around on zoom and talking about the importance of socio-political videogames and their ability to produce a knowledge that is felt through the body by playing.

My defense was a zoom defense. We weren’t able to do this in person because universities aren’t operating in person, and because of that some things were lost.

But some things were gained.

Some of my friends attended my defense. My parents and my in-laws all attended my defense. A family friend was able to join in, and my partner and my dog sit with me in the same room as I talked about my research.

My supervisor later told me that my defense was one of the best defenses she had sat through. My committee told me several times that I should publish my dissertation and nominated it for a dissertation award.

I was overjoyed. I was so happy. Not only I passed, but I passed with distinction.

***

I always wanted to celebrate the end of my PhD with a big party.

A party not unlike a wedding party.

I wanted to invite people to come and celebrate this accomplishment and share in the joy and excitement and my gratitude for all their support throughout the years.

Although I have been able to see them one-on-one and celebrate a little in small groups, with distancing and no hugging, I haven’t had that big celebration I wanted. Maybe I will one day, but I am not sure. Sometimes when a time for something passes, it really passes and we can’t get to that initial moments of joy and happiness.

It changes into something else. Something more settled perhaps.

When my degree arrived in mail, it arrived carrying a lot of emotions. I wanted to hug it for finally arriving and I wanted to cry over the way it arrived.

I won’t have a graduation ceremony where this degree would be given to me on stage.

I won’t have a graduation where I will be hooded by my supervisor (where my research supervisor would put the graduating hood on me on stage). I know it’s an archaic practice, but it is a lovely one that I wanted to have.

I am so attached to this piece of paper that I worked so hard for and I wanted to celebrate it.

I sat with my sadness for a few days, then I ordered the most expensive frame available through my university.

My partner and my sister helped me frame it. And I took it to show my parents.

I celebrated the arrival of this paper with each of my parents the day before the locked down.

And I am grateful for those little celebrations.